A Path Called Me

Category: love

  • Happiness

    I did read many books in a search for happiness. I wanted to really understand what I should do to be happy. Every book had some kind of explanation for me, but none was actually telling me what to do to be truly happy. I thought if I learned from others and followed the advice they shared, I would be constantly happy. And instead of feeling better and happier, I was more frustrated and disappointed. No matter what I followed, everything had an end. Because somehow, not only wasn’t I happy, but I was also ashamed of not being happy, because everyone seemed like they were happy, and I wasn’t.

    I got tired of learning and searching more about happiness. Every book gave me something. I have learned a lot from all sorts of people. And this knowledge will stay with me forever.

    Most of my life, I thought happiness depended on what I had, or where I lived, or how fit I was. Being in a relationship was another factor in my happiness. And yes, all that gave me happiness. Being surrounded by loving people and nice things at home gave me happy moments. But we all know that all of that is only temporary. One day we have everything we wanted, we are in a loving relationship, and the next day all of that can disappear. And with that, our happiness is gone. I wanted my happiness to stay even if people left, even if I couldn’t have everything I wanted, even if I lost things, even if I was in pain.

    After years of research and my personal experiences, I created my own definition of happiness. For me, happiness is the consistency of keeping promises to myself. When I follow that, no matter what is happening in my life, no matter the problems I am going through, when I do what I said to myself I would do, I feel okay. I feel good about myself even when someone disappoints me, even when something I was waiting for is not happening, even when I feel ill. I know one thing: I stayed aligned with what I said I would do. For me, that is enough to stay happy no matter what.

  • Sadness

    Sometimes I wonder if some people are born sad, or if they become sad over the years. Maybe some of us are born sad, and since they don’t know anything else, they become even sadder as the years pass. Or maybe sadness is inherited. I know generations of sad people. Sad grandma, sad children, and sad grandchildren. Some nations are sadder than others.

    And I myself am sad very often. And when I am sad, I think: hmmm, is this my truest nature, or just a phase, just a moment in life?

    It’s interesting because in the past, I wanted that feeling to go away as fast as possible. Now I don’t mind. At least not as much as I used to. I know that this is a part of life. I wouldn’t know joy if I didn’t experience sadness.

    I guess some people don’t know how to live a joyful life. I was one of them. I was worried about everything. There was always the worst-case scenario in my head about any situation. I never believed that something good could happen.

    It looks like this has changed. Not completely, but I would rather choose to focus on what is in front of me than wonder what might go wrong. Because it might happen, but what is the point of taking away from myself this present moment, which is actually pretty nice?

    Overthinking kills the joy of the moment. We sit with someone we truly love, but in our heads, thoughts are racing, and we are not present. And we are losing the only moment we have—the present moment. Right here, right now.

    It’s not worth it.

    I believe that what we give is what we get. And personally, I feel better when I give the best of myself to what I do or to whomever I am with. People can feel it when we are paying attention to them, and I don’t like it when I am not getting someone’s full attention either.

    But I went from sadness to being present, and there is a point to that.

    Feeling sad is okay, but when something good or funny happens, we should allow ourselves to respond accordingly. Just taking what is and not thinking about what if. What if it disappears? What if it ends?

    Accepting sadness, accepting joy and happiness equally.

    I guess that is how we can balance what is pleasurable and what is not. And sadness doesn’t have to be who we are or become the quintessence of life.

  • A Treasured Guest

    Humility visited me today, and I was surprised—because I thought it had been here all along… But when it sat down with me in the living room, I suddenly felt peace. I felt like myself, like never before.

    Then I heard: “It’s good to have you back. I’ve missed you. I saw how you struggled—thinking you knew better, walking in circles, feeling frustrated, making all those silly decisions, and asking God why He wasn’t helping you. But he was here all along, just observing you with love and care, protecting you the entire time.

    You knew he was there. You knew he was protecting you. He heard you asking for protection, even as you wandered into all those places, thinking you knew better. But he was certain you would find your way back here.

    You had to let go of the frustration and the demands, because God don’t take orders—it respond to your being. And now this moment has come. That’s why I came to visit you today—because somewhere along the way, you left me behind, and I kept waiting until you were ready to let me back in.

    Without me, everything you achieve and do means a little less. Life tastes better when we walk side by side, don’t you think?

    It’s wonderful to see who you’ve become through all the hardship. It’s so beautiful to see how you now respond to everything—both good and bad.”

    And then: “Ask yourself—how are you now? 

    May I tell you what I see? You feel better without the need for revenge or to hurt those who hurt you. You feel peace and freedom. You feel space around you and curiosity for what is to come.

    Remember, expressing how you feel is okay. But saying or doing things just to hurt someone will never give you what you truly seek and need. We can only  know ourselves by being around others. We learn and grow through our experiences, situations, and relationships

    I am proud of you, and I know you are here to stay. And so am  I.”

  • Acceptance and Exclusion

    What I noticed when I became my priority was the ability to feel comfortable with being excluded—from a party, from a conversation, or from simply not being wanted or liked. It’s easy when I make the decision not to go somewhere or talk to somebody, but the other way around was tricky at times. There was this feeling inside telling me: they don’t want you there, they don’t like you, they think you are weird.

    That voice inside my head was chitchatting, and I had to learn, first of all, not to be bothered by not being involved and second, to let the chitchatting go on without attachment to those thoughts. Realizing that I am not my thoughts was another level of freedom. My thoughts can go on, but what was happening between my ears may or may not necessarily be the truth. A simple question—Is this thought really true?—was helpful. I stopped overthinking certain aspects and started to examine whether my thoughts were true.

    And even if they were true, how do they affect my life? I began to think about what I could change and what was in my power to do about whatever situation I was facing. So when I wasn’t invited to attend some event and my head was giving me a full-time movie, I had to stop and check within myself what was really happening. And all sorts of things appeared—many insecurities, many fears, and many doubts undermining my own worth. That was a way for me to learn more about myself.

    Asking questions about my feelings related to not being involved taught me that if I don’t want to feel a certain way, I have to change myself—not because I wanted to be included, but because I wanted to feel good about not being included. And consequently learn not to tie my self-worth to whether I’m liked. I think that’s one of the superpowers we can possess as humans.

    I still sometimes have moments when I start to feel sorry for myself when someone “accidentally” forgets about me, but it doesn’t take long to come back to myself and simply let things be. Because, first of all, not everyone has to like me. Second, someone’s “no” only opens the door to exploring more of life. And third, I believe that rejection is God’s protection. So I can only win by not being invited or involved.

    I have my own acceptance of situations and of myself, and that acceptance is the most important thing to me.

  • …

    I was driving back home and was amazed by how beautiful the world is at night. All the lights, and only a few people around. The quietness of the night moved me deeply. And just like that, without logically understanding what I was doing, I turned right in the direction of a very familiar place to me. I’ve been there hundreds of times. I knew the way by heart. I just wanted to see if you were doing okay.

    So with each passing house, I was simply observing myself. And there was a wonderful peace. Just peace. And knowing that my only intention was to check if you were okay. I was almost there. I saw the light, still from a distance. Seeing that light felt like seeing you. I was relieved it was still there. And I felt happy, with no actual reason—simply by seeing the light in your windows.

    When I got there, I parked my car and just looked. Without thinking. Just present in the moment. And, the same as when I was coming there, I felt that I could leave now. I knew in my heart that everything was okay. I didn’t even have to see you—I just knew that you are ok. 

    And I thought: God, I trust you. If there is something more for me, for us, you are going to cross our paths. What is meant for us will find us.

    And I realized at that moment that this is pure love flowing through me—free of expectations, free of wanting and needing. Just knowing. Just the presence of love.